Can you be a leader and a friend?
How do I maintain my friendship with my former peers now that I’m their boss? How do I help them accept me in my new role as their leader? These are questions that frequently come up with my coaching clients and perhaps are questions you’ve struggled with yourself, maybe even now. If you’ve come from a team that had great chemistry and an exceptional collaborative culture, you may have also developed close friendships with your team. After all, we spend a great percentage of our lives at work. Transitioning to a new relationship once you are promoted can be tricky.
What makes it a challenge:
Perceived favoritism – When you are only friends with one or two of your team members, you can quickly be perceived with picking favorites. After all, you are having a different relationship with those team members compared to others.
Shifting the team dynamic – The team needs team time without their leader. Maintaining your friendship sometimes means you are at all the team lunches and other social events. This isn’t healthy for a team which needs to be able to have candid conversations without their boss.
Accountability – Having difficult feedback or performance conversations can be complicated if you’re friends without the professional distance of being their leader. Your friendship can blind you from being objective about a friend’s performance or other business decisions that may impact them.
Inappropriate sharing with your direct reports – it can be easy to overshare in a social context something that would be confidential and only for your peers or senior leaders.
How to make the shift:
Set boundaries – Set some boundaries between personal and professional. Clarify roles and what is changing in your relationship. Mind your personal social media posts and comments.
Keep friendships outside the workplace – It’s ok to maintain a personal relationship such as having a joint dinner with each other’s families. In the workplace, maintain a professional relationship.
Build relationships with everyone on the team – Spend time one on one building relationships with all your team members to get to know them personally and to support their career development. Let go of being liked and have courageous conversations with everyone in your team.
Give your team their own relationship building space – It’s ok to go for a drink or social gathering with the team. Just be mindful of how long you stay so that you’re giving them ample time on their own without you.
Focus on your new peers – Some of your most important relationships to cultivate now are with your peers who have become your number one team. It takes time to make new bonds and spending time with your peers is the only way to build those peer relationships back up to be able to collaborate effectively. It’s also beneficial to have someone to talk with about sensitive information who can relate.
Answering the question “Can I be both a boss and a friend?”, I would suggest that no, you can't. And everyone tries to do it! Instead, focus on building strong relationships with your team with healthy boundaries and deeper relationships with your new peers. Allow new relationships to emerge rather than holding on to the way they were, and I think you’ll find your needs will be met.