I’ve found myself talking with a number of leaders over the last month about the loneliness of leadership.  For some, it has been gradual as they moved into more senior leadership roles in their organization and for others almost immediate as they launched a company and found themselves in a much larger leadership role than they ever imagined. 

Leadership requires us to step into uncertainty, ambiguity, risk, and exposure again and again while helping others do the same.  We can’t do it alone yet so many leaders find themselves in a lonely place with only a few people around them or for some, no one to talk to at all.  I’ve written before about the importance of a sounding board otherwise your spouse becomes this sounding board for you and it can adversely impact your relationship and your ability to recharge with them.  So what can a leader do?

Disruptive leadership is different than any other kind. These leaders don’t just guide teams but create change in industry, often inspiring commitment and dedication from their people.

I recently had the opportunity to speak with John Sculley, former Apple CEO and Pepsi President and Co-Founder of Zeta Global (‘Zeta’). After learning more about Zeta, the data-driven marketing technology business he co-founded alongside David Steinberg in 2007, and his numerous other health technology companies, Sculley shared with me what he believes are key attributes of disruptive change leaders.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve found myself talking with many clients about something we call the Drama Triangle.  My clients are genuinely trying to help their teams work through relationship conflicts with peers in their team or other business areas, stepping in to take on tasks or avoiding delegating because they feel their team is already too busy or they can’t afford for any mistakes to be made.  For some clients, it has been a pattern for them and a few team members, and for others, we’ve uncovered it is a pattern throughout the entire organization. 

One of the approaches we offer to clients that we don't talk a lot about has little to do with leadership and executive development and much to do with leadership resilience and strategic thinking.  A sounding board. We don't just talk about development all the time, oftentimes we talk about the weight you are carrying with you and what you really think. Leadership is tough, ambiguous, uncertain, murky, vulnerable, risky and there are seldom clear-cut right answers.  Sometimes we get so mired in our thinking on an issue or idea that we get stuck and feel like we're going in circles.  Other times, we can feel overwhelmed and lonely with the weight of the world in challenging circumstances.

I have a member of my support team who struggles with depression and clients who have ongoing depression, anxiety and complex grief.  I have two colleagues who have suffered the death of their son’s much to early in life.  I have clients who struggle with a wide range of addictions issues both behavioural and substance addictions.  I have clients whose marriages or finances are struggling.  Both men and women, young and old are all struggling and many around them would never know but I know.

It all started from a conversation about thinking and contemplation and we all settled on contemplation being about presence and bearing witness to our own thoughts.  Now this might sound all philosophical and in many ways it is, yet I see distinct connection between our willingness make space to contemplate and our leadership effectiveness.

“Will you please help me?” I asked and the airline representative wouldn’t even look at me.  There were seats left on the closing flight to Houston and from a place of powerlessness I explained to her that my travel companion was rebooked on another flight and I needed help getting on any flight to Houston.  I’m not suggesting that she had to assist me but I was completely astounded at the lack of empathy she displayed.  This experience has me thinking about the critical lack of empathy for customers in the airline industry and what must be happening in the leadership of those organizations that sets this kind of culture.

Being an effective leader is a continuous learning leader learning about the perspectives of your peers, stakeholders, and direct reports.  Learning about the systems, environment and processes.  Learning about the decisions and strategic focus.  Learning to navigate personal resilience and building strong relationships.  Learning to grow and develop your team to become effective in their roles and to become future leaders.  Learning to ultimately step into uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure again and again and again.

Do you spend time reading to become a better leader? I work with a lot of executive clients who struggle to make time to read or find reading a chore and boring.  As a result, they often don’t make time to read instead devoting more time to more meetings and occasionally getting their other work done.  But what if reading was part of your job?  I believe it is.  And, if you think you get lots of reading in by reading texts and emails, you’re cheating yourself.  Reading goes far beyond the time suck of email.

Take the time to consider you options and reflect on other peoples perspectives through feedback and reviews. Ponder these insights and improve through evolution of you and your team.