How to free yourself from everyday frustrations
When you are frustrated, annoyed, or disappointed, there is a boundary that has been crossed. Boundaries are the conditions of our expectations that tell us what’s okay and what’s not okay. Inside the boundary are the behaviors and outcomes we want; outside the boundary is all the stuff we don’t want. When we are enthusiastic, pleased, or satisfied we are experiencing behaviors that fit inside our boundaries. Letting people cross your boundaries deteriorates your resilience and takes you away from being the leader you want to be.
There are boundaries all around us, and they fall into three broad categories:
Physical Boundaries: how we interact in physical proximity and contact: personal space
Interpersonal Boundaries: how we relate: team norms, social norms, personal values, principles and beliefs, communication style, authority, and how we share thoughts and opinions.
Task Boundaries: how we go about completing tasks: time (work hours, deadlines), responsibilities, commitments we make, material possessions (mine, yours, ours), communication methods, and how we use social media.
We work with many executive coaching clients on setting and managing boundaries. For many, it can feel daunting or even impossible to begin setting boundaries. Like them, you may have beliefs and stories about the negative side of setting boundaries. Boundaries are essential to help others understand what you stand for and help you build trust, safety, and certainty for those around you. Boundaries create strategic focus, clarity, and efficiency. They also create a social structure that helps reduce chaos and bring certainty to ambiguity. Setting and managing boundaries is an essential component of effective leadership.
Setting boundaries begins with making a choice to declare what you want and then communicating your boundaries by informing others or making a request. It’s more productive in our experience to declare what you want and focus on the future (rather than what you don’t want) since it helps others understand what to do instead of not do. For example, “our recent acquisition means that we are integrating and unifying two cultures. This will require us to be more open, empathetic, and cohesive.” Sometimes, adding what you don’t want helps others see the contrast. For example “we will need to take smart, calculated risks instead of strict focus on policy and procedure”.
When you’re beginning a transformation (acquisition, new strategic direction) or looking for a change in culture, the boundaries may need to be adjusted and redeclared. For example, in the past, it may have been important to follow known processes whereas today may require more emphasis on innovation, critical thinking, and acceptance of some failed experiments. We often see leaders push forward with new initiatives and are then met with resistance from an organization with cultural boundaries established from the past.
It is much easier to set boundaries before they are broken and share them often and widely – cleanup conversations are harder.
Managing boundaries requires you to act when they are crossed since they only continue to exist if you enforce them. Once declared, boundaries can be crossed for a variety of reasons. Sometimes people don’t believe you’re serious, or they forget, or they intentionally cross them for a variety of reasons. Your boundaries only continue if you reinforce them by insisting and being willing to provide consequences when boundaries are crossed.
When you first set new boundaries, others may be disappointed, uncomfortable, or dislike your boundaries. That’s okay, it’s normal to feel stressed about setting boundaries or having vulnerable conversations to enforce them. Your boundaries are new to others and takes time for them to adjust to. Trust your inner compass while also listening to the feedback coming back to you around your boundaries. Be willing to hold boundaries that make sense and be willing to adjust boundaries when you learn something new or want a new direction.