Norms are meant to be broken (and then fixed)

We have all been there – someone does something that doesn't seem right, and just like that, our norms have been broken. We are left feeling awkward, uncertain, upset or maybe annoyed, stuck and disappointed. Norms are the expectations we hold for each other and allow us to put boundaries around how we want to work together. Every team has a set of norms, whether they are written or unwritten, explicitly stated or just commonly understood behaviours. They can be open to interpretation like “We commit to being present” or focused like “We will not be distracted by mobile phones during our workshop.” Common expectations are all around us – we all face the elevator doors even though none of us ever agreed to it.

Creating a set of norms is a helpful practice in high-performing teams. It’s the easiest and most proactive step a team can take to help team members be clear about each other’s intentions and build trust. We should also keep the perspective that everyone on the team has a positive intention to follow the norms. It’s the minimum standard of trust needed to build stronger relationships.  

So what should we do when a norm is broken?

We are all human, and despite everyone’s best intentions, there are lots of ways norms can be broken. It’s ok. It’s an opportunity to learn and strengthen the relationships in a team and, ultimately, achieve important goals.

There are early warning signs that you can notice when norms are being broken. These are feelings that hijack your ability to stay present in the conversation – where you feel uneasy, awkward, cringe or start telling yourself, “this is tricky, now what?” or “this is a train wreck.” These are important moments we call choice points. By recognizing these feelings and noticing what is happening in the moment, you can choose to act: to stop and change the conversation, slow it down and inquire, or let it proceed.

Sometimes it’s not so clear what to do

I recall a workshop where a leader publicly called out his team with feedback that would have been better in private. The room was pretty charged, and no one quite knew what to say in the moment. We still have options afterward to reflect on tricky situations. Check your perception against the norms – what exactly was broken, and do you still feel your interpretation of the situation is correct? Check-in with others to get more perspective. Is anyone doing anything about what happened? This is another choice point to decide to take action and acknowledge what happened.

Cleanup and amends

Fixing things first requires someone to take ownership for what happened and acknowledge the behaviour that broke the team norms. It’s also important for the team to collaborate to amend the situation instead of one person deciding what will happen to clean up. The norms are owned collectively by the team and so the team is accountable for making amends. This is a great time to remember that we all have a positive intention to follow the norms, and we are all capable of amending and improving the situation on an ongoing basis.

Look for learning to reinforce and clarify

Teams that break norms and move on to cleaning up and making amends are resilient. Use the opportunity to learn, find ways to communicate better, clarify expectations and improve your team’s performance.