No can be a difficult answer to give when you value the relationship with a team member, colleague, client or other stakeholder.  Feelings of disappointing others, appearing difficult or being unhelpful can get in the way. And yet, you find yourself saying yes and then feeling a pang of regret right after. You might even engage in negative self-talk for saying yes instead of no. Effective leaders master the ability to say no with grace so they can align with what they believe and value.

When and how leaders can say no 

As a leader, there is an endless flow of requests and information that come your way. Part of your role is decision-making and boundary setting moment by moment and being clear on what to say yes and no to for work, ideas, next steps, deliverables and policies. What are some of the situations where you need to say no? Here are a few examples:

• Doing something that feels outside of your personal values and ethics

• Taking on more than your team can deliver while also respecting them as team members and human beings

• When it’s not your place to say yes

• When the direction or idea is not in line with the strategy, values, vision or desired outcomes

• Someone else’s emergency has the illusion that it should become yours, but it’s really theirs

• You find that you’ve over-committed or your circumstance has changed, and there is now too much on your plate

It’s easy to think of saying no, but sometimes it’s hard to find the words. When saying no, be sure to provide context and rationale so that the receiver feels considered and understood. Here are a few ways that may make it easier to say no:

• I can't do x, but I can do y.

• I can't do x. Is there another way I can support you?

• That’s a great idea. Right now, it’s not aligned with our current strategy and goals for the team.

• I’m currently committed to x. Would you like to change to y?

• This is a difficult commitment. Can we brainstorm some ideas?

• I appreciate you'd like x, and given my other commitments, I can offer y.

• “So-and-so” would be the best person/team/support to help you with this.

The pitfalls of leaders who say yes to everything and everyone

One of the biggest pitfalls that happen when you say yes to everything and everyone is that you say no to yourself. You try to please everyone and seem to please no one, and your reputation suffers while feeling in a lose/lose situation. You end up being the bottleneck for your team or you overwork your team by overcommitting them to too many projects and initiatives. Your team doesn’t learn to do things on their own or how to identify the best resource to assist their efforts because you agree to taking on too much. Your team gets overwhelmed with too much work with unreasonable deadlines. You agree to something that distracts you from your strategy or other priorities.

Fostering a workplace culture where it’s okay to say no

Mastering the art of a graceful and clear no makes it easier for others to have boundaries and clear no’s as well. It allows you to reduce or even eliminate overwhelm allowing you to remain composed and calm as a leader which makes it easier for people to say no to you. Support your team members when they say no and encourage them to explain why. When your team member says no, get curious and help them explain their rationale, not to defend but to be sure they are fully understood. 

Every yes requires a no. When you are willing to be clear on what to say no to, your yeses become clearer too. Practice saying no, and you’ll find the words will become more graceful over time. You’ll also find greater alignment with yourself and your values.